It's so easy to lose focus isn't it? In many ways I feel like I've wasted the last several weeks of my life. I have much to be focused on, and instead have been selfishly focusing on myself and spending a lot of idle time not doing a whole lot.
This past Thursday, I spoke at an event I was invited to speak at by the American Heart Association. For the first time since I started doing all of the volunteer work with the American Heart Association, I was actually nervous to speak. Nervous, you ask? I know it seems ridiculous that someone as outspoken as myself could actually be nervous, but I was. That is because I had some friends in the audience. It was great fun to share my story. After I had spoken I was thanked profusely, and lots of kind words were spoken about how wonderful I am for being so proactive in the cause. It is so humbling to hear people speak such kind words about me. I,honestly, can't imagine not doing what I'm doing to help spread the word on women and heart disease. I mean, if I could have a heart attack, couldn't any woman? I dare say, yes.
I can't believe it's been going on 6 months since my sister has passed away. I'm having a bad night anyway, but it's really difficult on these nights to know that I can't call my older, wiser sister. I can just hear her now, "Katy, stop being so silly. You are a wonderful girl and you deserve so much." I imagine she's looking down from heaven and shaking her finger and shouting, "Katy, snap out of it."
But it's hard to snap out of it. Memories that I don't share very often of my heart attack come flashing into my mind. The memory of the life I had before it all happened. I've never been one to say having a heart attack ruined my life. Having a heart attack didn't ruin my life, it changed my life; and it changed me. I'm not the same person, I wasn't ever going to be the same person and at times it breaks my heart to know that those closest to me at that time are no longer a part of my life. It's funny, I knew that it had changed my life, and I don't even mean in a bad way necessarily, but those closest to me didn't want it to change my life. They wanted me to carry on like nothing had happened.
I like to believe that I am a better person today than I was 3 years ago. Who can really say if I am or not. I've always been a nice person, probably way too nice for my own good. I know my body has changed and to be honest, for the most part I'm completely okay with that. I'm alive and that's what matters.
I think if there is anything negative that has come out of this it's that I feel like people feel sorry for me for all that I went through...and I don't want anyones sympathy. The only other thing that has changed is that I have zero confidence with guys...but when the one person you love more than anything tells you that "you ruined his life," it's hard to not hear that voice in your head.
I'm not perfect, and I have to stay focused on my running, on going back to CRNA school, and on my niece and nephew. I was supposed to be going to New Orleans this week to run my first 1/2 marathon since my heart attack, but decided I want to take my sister's kids to Disney World instead. They deserve it and right now they should be my main priority. If nothing else I have to do right by my sister, by doing right for them.
Tomorrow is a new day and I'm sure I'll awake with a smile on my face maybe...maybe it will take a day or two. But like I've said before, "I'm the master of my fate, I'm the captain of my soul." I'm a happy girl...it's who I am, so I know everything is gonna be just fine :)
Monday, February 27, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Running...
I've been running a lot this past week. I am sore and tired, but the feeling of accomplishment from doing what was once such a huge part of my life, brings such a sweet satisfaction and such a feeling of gratitude that I am often overcome with joy. Joy that I have my life back...a life that I almost lost, but have fought with every ounce of energy I have, to regain.
As I was thinking about all this, I had a thought. I was never one to run marathons to win. I ran to say that I had run a marathon...it was pure vanity. I realized today that winning isn't the most important thing. Sure it's great to have a competitive edge, but the real winning comes in doing the impossible, in rising every time we fall, and in never letting go of faith or hope. One of my favorite quotes goes something like this,
"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours."
Three years ago I almost let this happen to me. As I lay in the hospital bed after having a heart attack and looking at the man I then loved, I actually said to him, "I think you should leave. This is too much and you shouldn't have to go through this with me. You didn't sign up for this." I sat there thinking, "This is it. I'm never running again. My life is over." Luckily, my attitude changed quickly and I realized I had to get back up.
It was about 4 weeks after my heart attack and I was home alone for the first time. Brad, my ex had gone to work and his parents had gone back home to NC and my parents had returned to Portland, OR. I sat there thinking and decided, "I'm not gonna sit here. It is time to get this done."
I walked back to our master bedroom. Walked into my closet with my heart pounding and every step feeling like I was walking in quick sand. I grabbed my running shoes and with trepidation put them on and laced them up. The whole while, the voice in my head saying, "You can't do this. You almost died."
But I shouted back..."I didn't die. I'm here to live and here for a purpose!" I grabbed my iPod and headed out the door. One foot in front of the other. I couldn't run, but I could do all the walking I wanted to do, was what the doctors said. I did it. I walked for 40 minutes and when I got back to our apartment I burst into tears. I had done it...and I hadn't died in the process.
Flash forward 3 years and I am now running and preparing to run my first 1/2 marathon. It has taken me a long, long time to get here, but the point is I am here. A lot has changed. I'm single now, I'm applying to graduate school, I've lost a sister, and my nephew has a new liver. The point is this. Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans. But if we have faith that everything happens for a reason, and if we believe that good things do happen, we can see everyday that they do.
I am blessed beyond measure. Lately I have had so many people telling me how much they admire me, or what an inspiring person I am. I smile and tell them, "I'm just me. I've done what anyone in my shoes would've done." The truth, maybe I am a great girl, but I wouldn't be where I am without the knowledge that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me very much, a Father in Heaven who believes in me and has put me here for a reason. I don't pretend to understand the why's of why we go through what we go through, but I do know that I am thankful for everything that I've been through, and am especially thankful for, "my unconquerable soul!"
Spending time today with my family was amazing. I am blessed beyond measure. As I interact with my nieces and nephews I can only hope to one day have a family of my own. Their smiles brighten my day and their faith teaches me something everytime I'm around them. I truly am blessed beyond measure.
As I was thinking about all this, I had a thought. I was never one to run marathons to win. I ran to say that I had run a marathon...it was pure vanity. I realized today that winning isn't the most important thing. Sure it's great to have a competitive edge, but the real winning comes in doing the impossible, in rising every time we fall, and in never letting go of faith or hope. One of my favorite quotes goes something like this,
"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours."
Three years ago I almost let this happen to me. As I lay in the hospital bed after having a heart attack and looking at the man I then loved, I actually said to him, "I think you should leave. This is too much and you shouldn't have to go through this with me. You didn't sign up for this." I sat there thinking, "This is it. I'm never running again. My life is over." Luckily, my attitude changed quickly and I realized I had to get back up.
It was about 4 weeks after my heart attack and I was home alone for the first time. Brad, my ex had gone to work and his parents had gone back home to NC and my parents had returned to Portland, OR. I sat there thinking and decided, "I'm not gonna sit here. It is time to get this done."
I walked back to our master bedroom. Walked into my closet with my heart pounding and every step feeling like I was walking in quick sand. I grabbed my running shoes and with trepidation put them on and laced them up. The whole while, the voice in my head saying, "You can't do this. You almost died."
But I shouted back..."I didn't die. I'm here to live and here for a purpose!" I grabbed my iPod and headed out the door. One foot in front of the other. I couldn't run, but I could do all the walking I wanted to do, was what the doctors said. I did it. I walked for 40 minutes and when I got back to our apartment I burst into tears. I had done it...and I hadn't died in the process.
Flash forward 3 years and I am now running and preparing to run my first 1/2 marathon. It has taken me a long, long time to get here, but the point is I am here. A lot has changed. I'm single now, I'm applying to graduate school, I've lost a sister, and my nephew has a new liver. The point is this. Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans. But if we have faith that everything happens for a reason, and if we believe that good things do happen, we can see everyday that they do.
I am blessed beyond measure. Lately I have had so many people telling me how much they admire me, or what an inspiring person I am. I smile and tell them, "I'm just me. I've done what anyone in my shoes would've done." The truth, maybe I am a great girl, but I wouldn't be where I am without the knowledge that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me very much, a Father in Heaven who believes in me and has put me here for a reason. I don't pretend to understand the why's of why we go through what we go through, but I do know that I am thankful for everything that I've been through, and am especially thankful for, "my unconquerable soul!"
Sunday, December 25, 2011
I'm not good at this blog thing :) It is hard for me to take the time to sit down and actually right. I think mostly because I don't want to post anything that sounds too negative. I try to stay upbeat and positive and to not discuss the fact that I'm having an impossible time; especially when I know that there are others who are far worse off than I am.
I know Jane must be smiling down from heaven and so very happy that her precious little boy Elijah, my nephew, is doing so well with his liver transplant. He is still in the hospital, but doctors are hopeful he will be home by the end of the week. He sounds very good when I talk to him on the phone. He is definitely loving his new liver.
Elijah's sister, Sophia, had a very difficult day today. She was sad most of the day missing her mommy and wishing her mommy could be with her this Christmas Day. The only words I could say as she was crying on the phone were, "Mommy loves you very much. Mommy is looking down on you and watching over you every minute of every day." I'm not sure they brought much comfort, but a family member texted me and said, "Sophia is smiling now and she loves hearing your voice." Words that brought comfort, but also broke my heart. How I want to be in NC to let her know just how much I love her!
I worked last night and it was a great night. I realize as I take care of patients just how blessed I really am. I love what I do and feel it a blessing and privilege to be able to take care of patients at such difficult times. The one good thing about work is that I am able to take my mind off of things and get lost in caring for others.
In small talk this morning towards the end of the shift one of my coworkers asked me what I was doing? I asked him, "What do you mean?" He said he had heard I was moving and I said probably not until I go to CRNA school. He asked me when and where I was going and I explained that I hope to be going back to UPenn where I was going when I had my heart attack, but then I explained I have to think of other things before I decide though...meaning my niece and nephew. One of the resident physicians then said, "Just do it! Go now or you'll always keep putting it off."
I had never really thought about that...but it's been 3 years now and here I am in the same place. I need to get on with my life and accept that though things are different I have the whole world in front of me and it is my life to live. Of course, this resident doesn't know all that's happened in the past 3 years....but does that really matter. It doesn't matter, I guess, but I've been pretending that it does matter. All that matters is today and getting on with things and that's what I have to do. I have wanted to go to Penn forever and I was there once and I have to believe I can get back.
This is a random posting I guess, but to all who read this, know that I hope you have had the Merriest of Christmas's. This time of year is a time to reflect and be grateful for the things which are truly important...family and friends. Hold onto what you have because you truly don't know when it will be gone. Life can change in the blink of an eye. And life is much too precious to waste time and to leave things unsaid. So live your lives treasuring on a daily basis those blessings you do have :)
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year...
I know Jane must be smiling down from heaven and so very happy that her precious little boy Elijah, my nephew, is doing so well with his liver transplant. He is still in the hospital, but doctors are hopeful he will be home by the end of the week. He sounds very good when I talk to him on the phone. He is definitely loving his new liver.
Elijah's sister, Sophia, had a very difficult day today. She was sad most of the day missing her mommy and wishing her mommy could be with her this Christmas Day. The only words I could say as she was crying on the phone were, "Mommy loves you very much. Mommy is looking down on you and watching over you every minute of every day." I'm not sure they brought much comfort, but a family member texted me and said, "Sophia is smiling now and she loves hearing your voice." Words that brought comfort, but also broke my heart. How I want to be in NC to let her know just how much I love her!
I worked last night and it was a great night. I realize as I take care of patients just how blessed I really am. I love what I do and feel it a blessing and privilege to be able to take care of patients at such difficult times. The one good thing about work is that I am able to take my mind off of things and get lost in caring for others.
In small talk this morning towards the end of the shift one of my coworkers asked me what I was doing? I asked him, "What do you mean?" He said he had heard I was moving and I said probably not until I go to CRNA school. He asked me when and where I was going and I explained that I hope to be going back to UPenn where I was going when I had my heart attack, but then I explained I have to think of other things before I decide though...meaning my niece and nephew. One of the resident physicians then said, "Just do it! Go now or you'll always keep putting it off."
I had never really thought about that...but it's been 3 years now and here I am in the same place. I need to get on with my life and accept that though things are different I have the whole world in front of me and it is my life to live. Of course, this resident doesn't know all that's happened in the past 3 years....but does that really matter. It doesn't matter, I guess, but I've been pretending that it does matter. All that matters is today and getting on with things and that's what I have to do. I have wanted to go to Penn forever and I was there once and I have to believe I can get back.
This is a random posting I guess, but to all who read this, know that I hope you have had the Merriest of Christmas's. This time of year is a time to reflect and be grateful for the things which are truly important...family and friends. Hold onto what you have because you truly don't know when it will be gone. Life can change in the blink of an eye. And life is much too precious to waste time and to leave things unsaid. So live your lives treasuring on a daily basis those blessings you do have :)
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year...
Friday, September 23, 2011
I have so much on my mind right now. Two weeks ago at this time I was getting ready to head into work. I did work, then as I was leaving work I got the dreaded phone call. I remember so clearly hearing my father tell me what had happened to my sister, and him saying, "It doesn't look good." I didn't need to hear my dad say those words, as a nurse, I new from what he had told me that it was bad. My heart sank and I fell to the floor sobbing. The next several days are a blur; I don't remember too many details of what happened and now every minute seems to linger, with a hollow empty feeling. I miss my sister Jane so much...she was my sister and my dear friend. I think of my niece and nephew...still so young and wonder how are they ever gonna know or fully understand how much she did for them; how much she loved them; how much she sacrificed for them as a single parent.
I was raised to believe in God and to trust in him always, but right now I am struggling. I usually do my best to not complain nor do I usually question the plans that a loving Heavenly Father has in store for me, but this seems too overwhelming right now.
After Brad and I broke up he told me one night that me getting sick was "Karma coming back to me." Those words stung like salt in a fresh wound and for a long, long time I believed him. I thought I must be an awful person and surely I must have done something wrong to deserve losing everything that mattered to me...my grad school, my love, a baby, everything. Then one day I woke up and realized I didn't do anything to deserve that, but now with the passing of my sister I find myself questioning again. Maybe Brad was right. Maybe I am this awful person who deserves all of this. I really don't know at this point.
I don't know why I have to go through all this. It makes no logical sense to me and for the first time in a long time I am feeling sorry for myself and that makes me feel even worse. I have worked the past three nights and I look at everyone around me whose lives seem pretty care free and wonder why am I having to endure so much...at my age, haven't I been through enough?
This all makes me feel week. I should be stronger. I should be able to shrug it off and have faith that God knows best. Afterall, who am I to question His designs, but I am questioning. As all around me try to remind me that I am strong, I remind them that I am human...and not that strong.
I know there are many who suffer much more than I have and I know that I have an awful lot to be grateful for...but it is hard to accept. I feel so alone and feel like it is never gonna be alright for me...when is everything gonna be okay????
I don't mean to be so negative, but it's just how I'm feeling right now...maybe I'm just lacking faith...
I was raised to believe in God and to trust in him always, but right now I am struggling. I usually do my best to not complain nor do I usually question the plans that a loving Heavenly Father has in store for me, but this seems too overwhelming right now.
After Brad and I broke up he told me one night that me getting sick was "Karma coming back to me." Those words stung like salt in a fresh wound and for a long, long time I believed him. I thought I must be an awful person and surely I must have done something wrong to deserve losing everything that mattered to me...my grad school, my love, a baby, everything. Then one day I woke up and realized I didn't do anything to deserve that, but now with the passing of my sister I find myself questioning again. Maybe Brad was right. Maybe I am this awful person who deserves all of this. I really don't know at this point.
I don't know why I have to go through all this. It makes no logical sense to me and for the first time in a long time I am feeling sorry for myself and that makes me feel even worse. I have worked the past three nights and I look at everyone around me whose lives seem pretty care free and wonder why am I having to endure so much...at my age, haven't I been through enough?
This all makes me feel week. I should be stronger. I should be able to shrug it off and have faith that God knows best. Afterall, who am I to question His designs, but I am questioning. As all around me try to remind me that I am strong, I remind them that I am human...and not that strong.
I know there are many who suffer much more than I have and I know that I have an awful lot to be grateful for...but it is hard to accept. I feel so alone and feel like it is never gonna be alright for me...when is everything gonna be okay????
I don't mean to be so negative, but it's just how I'm feeling right now...maybe I'm just lacking faith...
Monday, September 5, 2011
Just Been Thinking...
It's been way too long since I've written in here. Sometimes I forget that the link to my blog is up on facebook...and then people I add read it and seem surprised by what I've been through. It's funny in a way to me because it is my life. Most days it doesn't even phase me all that happened. Most days I feel an overwhelming amount of gratitude for all the good that came out of what I went through.
I can honestly say that life is somewhat boringly normal these days. I seem to have settled into my old routines. Mostly that includes working out and training for a 1/2 marathon. I'm going to do one in California with my good friend Stacy and then I'm gonna do one in March in New Orleans. I'm very excited for both of those things.
I've even returned to dating...much to my surprise. And as any of you who aren't tied down know, dating brings it's own set of challenges. I've met some great people...and some not so great ones and it has been a most interesting experience. I find myself most days optimistic for the future and all that is ahead for me :)
I think the hardest part recently has been missing the baby I lost. It stings so badly if I let myself think about it. Though I most often deny it...I was a typical little girl. I dreamed of my wedding and dreamed of having a family. I don't need to be reminded by anybody, that I don't have children...I know that all too well. As I know I most likely will never have children. Which is fine...I have to accept whatever my Heavenly Father has planned for me. Although, doctors have said it's ok for me to have kids...who knows if I'll meet anyone and I'm way too scared to get pregnant, as a nurse I've seen way too much. And that is all ok with me.
At work the other night, I sat with my patient who is dying from pancreatic cancer. This man is young by todays standards...60 or so and has so much faith. He has been unable to sleep and so the other night I just went into his room and sat and talked with him. He began sharing scriptures with me and it just brought the biggest feeling of peace into the room. I have moments like that at work that remind me over and over just how blessed I am. I have more yet to accomplish here in this life and I'm ready to do that.
My year as a spokesperson for the American Heart Associations Go Red for Women campaign is over...but I will continue to volunteer with the cause and I will continue to share my story. Though I often times wonder, why am I still here? Or why did I have to go through everything? I know I am blessed beyond measure. I don't think we're supposed to understand the why here in this life...maybe the answers come in the end when we've proven ourselves to be faithful. I really don't need answers though...I am here for a purpose and though I may not know what that purpose is, I will do my best to discover it.
Though people will always disappoint me and say and do things I don't understand...I will still smile the same smile I always do...knowing that "life is 10% what happens to us...and 90% how we react." We choose how we react...we may not choose what others do...but we control our reactions :)
I hope this finds anyone who reads it well. I know I've rambled...but just wanted to jot some thoughts down :)
I can honestly say that life is somewhat boringly normal these days. I seem to have settled into my old routines. Mostly that includes working out and training for a 1/2 marathon. I'm going to do one in California with my good friend Stacy and then I'm gonna do one in March in New Orleans. I'm very excited for both of those things.
I've even returned to dating...much to my surprise. And as any of you who aren't tied down know, dating brings it's own set of challenges. I've met some great people...and some not so great ones and it has been a most interesting experience. I find myself most days optimistic for the future and all that is ahead for me :)
I think the hardest part recently has been missing the baby I lost. It stings so badly if I let myself think about it. Though I most often deny it...I was a typical little girl. I dreamed of my wedding and dreamed of having a family. I don't need to be reminded by anybody, that I don't have children...I know that all too well. As I know I most likely will never have children. Which is fine...I have to accept whatever my Heavenly Father has planned for me. Although, doctors have said it's ok for me to have kids...who knows if I'll meet anyone and I'm way too scared to get pregnant, as a nurse I've seen way too much. And that is all ok with me.
At work the other night, I sat with my patient who is dying from pancreatic cancer. This man is young by todays standards...60 or so and has so much faith. He has been unable to sleep and so the other night I just went into his room and sat and talked with him. He began sharing scriptures with me and it just brought the biggest feeling of peace into the room. I have moments like that at work that remind me over and over just how blessed I am. I have more yet to accomplish here in this life and I'm ready to do that.
My year as a spokesperson for the American Heart Associations Go Red for Women campaign is over...but I will continue to volunteer with the cause and I will continue to share my story. Though I often times wonder, why am I still here? Or why did I have to go through everything? I know I am blessed beyond measure. I don't think we're supposed to understand the why here in this life...maybe the answers come in the end when we've proven ourselves to be faithful. I really don't need answers though...I am here for a purpose and though I may not know what that purpose is, I will do my best to discover it.
Though people will always disappoint me and say and do things I don't understand...I will still smile the same smile I always do...knowing that "life is 10% what happens to us...and 90% how we react." We choose how we react...we may not choose what others do...but we control our reactions :)
I hope this finds anyone who reads it well. I know I've rambled...but just wanted to jot some thoughts down :)
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Inner Peace...
Theodore Roosevelt once said,"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."
I acknowledge that I am an ordinary person. By no means am I great and in no way do I profess to have made a difference in the lives of others over the course of the past year as a spokeswoman for the "Go Red for Women" campaign for the American Heart Association. I have merely become active in a cause that means an awful lot to me and in so doing I have been changed in many ways. I have merely attempted to turn something horrible into something positive; or rather, make the experience of all that I have gone through have some sort of purpose.
So, when I received a phone call from my best friend, Kimmie, in NC, it quite honestly came as a big surprise to me to learn that the person I cared most about in this world was fabricating the facts of my story. No, this wasn't Kimmie spreading the lies...it was the person who I thought was gonna be by my side for the rest of my life. I was hurt to learn that he and many of his friends think I'm "crazy." To think that I have ever blamed him for any of this is ludicrous. I mean anyone who knows me knows that all I have ever said, is that he left me when I needed him the most. I have never faulted him for causing my heart attack or any of the other problems that resulted from the heart attack. And I have even tried to empathize with him leaving me.
I think what hurts most is that so many others believe him. It makes me wonder if they ever really knew me. I know I shouldn't care what they think, afterall, I am 2000 miles away now, but it hurts. I spent a good amount of time with him and it all seems wasted now. I guess I didn't ever expect to hear from him after the news stories and such, and I never expected him to contact me, but I at least expected him to be happy for me. That is all...to maybe see me on the "Today Show," and be happy at what I was doing, but he didn't do that while he was with me, so I guess why would he do it now?
I don't expect for anyone to think I'm anything extraordinary. I am who I am and I did my best while I was sick to never complain, to never ask why. I did have the faith of a child when I was sick...I knew I was eventually gonna get better and that was it. There is no use in getting angry over our circumstances when faced with a situation like that because anger won't change anything. Even now, when my angry lil' pancreas acts up I don't get frustrated...what's the use...it won't make my pancreas suddenly decide to behave, right?
I'm not perfect. I do make mistakes and I am just me...doing the best I can with the cards I've been dealt. And while Brad can continue to hate me, I will never say a bad word about him. I never have, nor will I ever. That's not how I roll :) Even as I've let go, he is buried in a special place of my heart forever...and for a brief moment it stung and hurt when I realized he was portraying me as a crazy person, but I know who I am and that is all that matters!
It should be all that matters to any of us. Why do we believe the negative things people say about us so easily? I don't know why that is...but I know that this past year of trying to do good and working with the American Heart Association has blessed my life in so many ways and I am content with the path in which my life has gone. At the end of the day, I can close my eyes knowing that I have done my best to press forward and to make a difference...and that peace is stronger than anything negative anyone might say about me. And if I have failed in any way, I have done so, "...daring greatly!"
I acknowledge that I am an ordinary person. By no means am I great and in no way do I profess to have made a difference in the lives of others over the course of the past year as a spokeswoman for the "Go Red for Women" campaign for the American Heart Association. I have merely become active in a cause that means an awful lot to me and in so doing I have been changed in many ways. I have merely attempted to turn something horrible into something positive; or rather, make the experience of all that I have gone through have some sort of purpose.
So, when I received a phone call from my best friend, Kimmie, in NC, it quite honestly came as a big surprise to me to learn that the person I cared most about in this world was fabricating the facts of my story. No, this wasn't Kimmie spreading the lies...it was the person who I thought was gonna be by my side for the rest of my life. I was hurt to learn that he and many of his friends think I'm "crazy." To think that I have ever blamed him for any of this is ludicrous. I mean anyone who knows me knows that all I have ever said, is that he left me when I needed him the most. I have never faulted him for causing my heart attack or any of the other problems that resulted from the heart attack. And I have even tried to empathize with him leaving me.
I think what hurts most is that so many others believe him. It makes me wonder if they ever really knew me. I know I shouldn't care what they think, afterall, I am 2000 miles away now, but it hurts. I spent a good amount of time with him and it all seems wasted now. I guess I didn't ever expect to hear from him after the news stories and such, and I never expected him to contact me, but I at least expected him to be happy for me. That is all...to maybe see me on the "Today Show," and be happy at what I was doing, but he didn't do that while he was with me, so I guess why would he do it now?
I don't expect for anyone to think I'm anything extraordinary. I am who I am and I did my best while I was sick to never complain, to never ask why. I did have the faith of a child when I was sick...I knew I was eventually gonna get better and that was it. There is no use in getting angry over our circumstances when faced with a situation like that because anger won't change anything. Even now, when my angry lil' pancreas acts up I don't get frustrated...what's the use...it won't make my pancreas suddenly decide to behave, right?
I'm not perfect. I do make mistakes and I am just me...doing the best I can with the cards I've been dealt. And while Brad can continue to hate me, I will never say a bad word about him. I never have, nor will I ever. That's not how I roll :) Even as I've let go, he is buried in a special place of my heart forever...and for a brief moment it stung and hurt when I realized he was portraying me as a crazy person, but I know who I am and that is all that matters!
It should be all that matters to any of us. Why do we believe the negative things people say about us so easily? I don't know why that is...but I know that this past year of trying to do good and working with the American Heart Association has blessed my life in so many ways and I am content with the path in which my life has gone. At the end of the day, I can close my eyes knowing that I have done my best to press forward and to make a difference...and that peace is stronger than anything negative anyone might say about me. And if I have failed in any way, I have done so, "...daring greatly!"
Monday, April 18, 2011
What if...
This past week has been pretty emotional for me. I had a tremendous opportunity to take care of an amazing kid who was paralyzed in a snowboarding accident. The experience of it touched my heart for so many reasons. This 19 year old boy has faced the challenge of being paralyzed from the neck down with a smile on his face and the faith of a child. As I was preparing to leave work the other morning his mother stopped me to say something and then gave me a hug thanking me for all that I had done. I told her, with tears in my eyes, that it had been such a blessing for me to take care of her son. I told her that he and his family have taught me so much about faith and what it means to stick by one another through these difficult times. I didn't mean too, but I made her cry and then of course, I started crying.
In a lot of ways this experience reminded me of all that I had gone through and how truly blessed I am. What I went through doesn't even compare to the magnitude of what this poor kid will have to endure, but somehow he smiles and makes all who are around him smile and laugh. He even sang to me the other night...I guess he didn't want to hear me singing because I told him, "I bet if I start singing I can make you laugh really hard." So instead of listening to me, he went ahead and sang.
I was running the other afternoon before heading into work and was thinking of everything he was facing and everything I had been through when I had a thought. What if... before we came to this life on earth we were presented with possible trials by our Father in Heaven. You know...like there was this big meeting and we were all sitting around listening to our Father in Heaven present different possible trials.And I thought maybe I raised my hand and volunteered to have the heart attack and get really sick from one of the medicines and to lose a baby and the love of my life. Maybe I volunteered to go through that so someone else wouldn't have to. And maybe, just maybe this stalwart young boy I speak of volunteered to do the same so that one of his friends or siblings wouldn't have to endure it. Because before coming to earth, we understood the plan of our Father in Heaven, we understood that if we proved faithful we would return to live with Him someday. It was just a thought, and I in no way intend to impose my thoughts on anyone, but it was a special moment for me and in a flash I thought how much I turned away from my God when I was going through everything. I couldn't believe that a loving Heavenly Father would let a "child" go through all of that, but I was wrong. I know now that I got through all of that because my Heavenly Father carried me through it...there was no way I got through it on my own.
I was reminded again today of how my life would be different if I hadn't made some of the choices I made several years ago. I ran into an old acquaintance in Harmon's (UT grocery store). I had taught this young man Spanish in the Missionary Training Center in Provo, UT. Several years have passed since my teaching days in the MTC and it was crazy to see him and hear of his life. It made me sad for a minute (a few minutes actually) as I thought on the road I had taken when I left UT seven years ago, but then I felt immense gratitude for where I am today. For in the end, today is what counts. We can't go back and take back our mistakes, but today we can forge ahead with faith and hope.
I am grateful for new friends I'm making. The life I'm loving here in UT, and for this young patient I was blessed to take care of and his family. They are examples to me of faith and courage. I have learned lessons I will never forget and for that I feel lucky.
In a lot of ways this experience reminded me of all that I had gone through and how truly blessed I am. What I went through doesn't even compare to the magnitude of what this poor kid will have to endure, but somehow he smiles and makes all who are around him smile and laugh. He even sang to me the other night...I guess he didn't want to hear me singing because I told him, "I bet if I start singing I can make you laugh really hard." So instead of listening to me, he went ahead and sang.
I was running the other afternoon before heading into work and was thinking of everything he was facing and everything I had been through when I had a thought. What if... before we came to this life on earth we were presented with possible trials by our Father in Heaven. You know...like there was this big meeting and we were all sitting around listening to our Father in Heaven present different possible trials.And I thought maybe I raised my hand and volunteered to have the heart attack and get really sick from one of the medicines and to lose a baby and the love of my life. Maybe I volunteered to go through that so someone else wouldn't have to. And maybe, just maybe this stalwart young boy I speak of volunteered to do the same so that one of his friends or siblings wouldn't have to endure it. Because before coming to earth, we understood the plan of our Father in Heaven, we understood that if we proved faithful we would return to live with Him someday. It was just a thought, and I in no way intend to impose my thoughts on anyone, but it was a special moment for me and in a flash I thought how much I turned away from my God when I was going through everything. I couldn't believe that a loving Heavenly Father would let a "child" go through all of that, but I was wrong. I know now that I got through all of that because my Heavenly Father carried me through it...there was no way I got through it on my own.
I was reminded again today of how my life would be different if I hadn't made some of the choices I made several years ago. I ran into an old acquaintance in Harmon's (UT grocery store). I had taught this young man Spanish in the Missionary Training Center in Provo, UT. Several years have passed since my teaching days in the MTC and it was crazy to see him and hear of his life. It made me sad for a minute (a few minutes actually) as I thought on the road I had taken when I left UT seven years ago, but then I felt immense gratitude for where I am today. For in the end, today is what counts. We can't go back and take back our mistakes, but today we can forge ahead with faith and hope.
I am grateful for new friends I'm making. The life I'm loving here in UT, and for this young patient I was blessed to take care of and his family. They are examples to me of faith and courage. I have learned lessons I will never forget and for that I feel lucky.
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