So many thoughts as I sit here and post my first blog entry. To give a brief background, 2 years ago, at the age of 28, I suffered a massive heart attack. It was a moment I will not forget, not ever. I was at what I thought was the prime of my life. I had a great man, Brad, I was starting a master's program in nurse anesthesia and I was happy. Yes, I was about as happy as anyone could be. That all changed on August 04, 2008.
The previous evening Brad and I had a date night. We came home and were laying in bed talking about how wonderful our life was...oh the irony...I guess we fell asleep but I awoke at about 230 feeling very sick. I thought it was food poisoning and when Brad awoke and suggested we go to the hospital, I scoffed. "It's just food poisoning, sweetie, go back to bed." Well, I awoke about and hour or so later and immediately knew I was having a heart attack. I couldn't breathe, I felt like there was an elephant on my chest, I was sweating profusely and then I looked in the mirror and I looked like a dead person. I immediately woke Brad up and said, "I'm having a heart attack we need to go to the hospital now!"
Sure enough, I was having a heart attack. I was flown from one hospital to the next and all I remember thinking was, "I've got my dad's heart." I couldn't believe it. Hadn't I done everything I was supposed to do...I was a runner, I ate a heart healthy diet, and I was only 28 years old. Sure I thought at some point in my life because of my dad's history I would deal with heart disease, but not at 28.
I recovered from my heart attack but then became critically ill with liver failure which turned into pancreatitis which landed me in the hospital for almost 4 months. Turns out Brad didn't want a sick wife, so he bailed and in the span of a few months my whole life was turned upside down.
Some have said, I was thrown under the bus. I guess it's all a matter of perspective. I'm not gonna lie, this was all a lot to deal with. Especially when you factor in that I lost a baby in the middle of it all. Some have even questioned how I got through it all. The answer is, I don't know. I did what I had to do and that is, I pressed forward with a hope in the future. Was I depressed, absolutely, but somewhere inside of me I knew that there was something better and a hope of a better day. I recited the words of my favorite poem over and over..."I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul." For those words speak truth.
Aren't we all the "master's of our fate," and the "captain's of our souls?" I would like to think that we are. I will try to continue tomorrow, but for now, this is the introduction to what I hope will become a cathartic space for me to share my thoughts. I truly, "thank whatever gods may be for MY unconquerable soul!"
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
