The Art of Letting Go...

So, since my journey, I have consciously been trying to let go. Let go of the life I had before I got sick, trying to let go of Brad, trying to let go of the loss of a baby. Today as I was contemplating everything and where I am, one of my favorite poems came to mind. "One Art" by Elizabeth Bishop. Here it is:

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.


--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied.  It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster

Bishop writes that the art of losing "isn't hard to master." I wonder...is it really easy to let go and lose...do we make it much more difficult than it has to be? Maybe we believe it might be a disaster, like Bishop writes, but in the end...it really isn't so bad? I think maybe when we get to the end of our grief and look back we realize it isn't a disaster, but while living it, I can say first hand that it is a disaster.
When I look back two years ago, I honestly don't know how I got through it all. The only answer I can really come up with is that I'm stronger than I think I am...and in reality I think most of us are stronger than we think we are.
But the truth is I have had a tough time of it. By nature I am a pretty happy, go lucky type of girl. I've always looked at the bright side of things and have always from the time I was little, had a smile on my face. But this has been difficult for me. For one reason or another, I have found myself clinging to the past...especially to Brad. I haven't had much of a desire to date and move forward. I often think of the baby I would have and I find myself thinking of how much Brad has missed out on because he chose to walk away.
So, I get tired of clinging to the past and today I decided to do something about it. I remembered an old episode of "Desperate Housewives," where Gabby lets go of a balloon in a symbolic fashion of letting go of the baby she miscarried and the grief. I decided to try that out.
I went to the store and bought 3 red (my favorite color) balloons and then drove to one of my favorite running spots here in Salt Lake City. I sat in my car for a few minutes and pondered all that I've been through. I then stepped out of my car and gazed at the beauty that was all around me. I promised myself that this was it...I'm letting go of Brad, the life I had before I got sick, and the baby...and letting go of the grief that has often times suffocated me.
I released the balloons and as I watched them disappear out of sight, tears filled my eyes. Tears of sorrow for what I lost, and tears of joy and gratitude for what lies ahead. There is no looking back anymore. I went through hell, but that hell doesn't define me...I am so much more than all of that. And the knowledge of that fills me with great hope. Hope for a better and happier future.
I heard a quote on tv the other day and I would like to close with those words tonight.

"You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate or bad luck or bad choices. Or you can fight back.
Things aren't always going to be fair in the real world. That's just the way it is.
But for the most part, you get what you give.
The rest of your life is being shaped right now. With the dreams you chase. The choices you make. and the person you decide to be.
The rest of your life is a long time. And the rest of your life starts right now."

The rest of my life starts right now!

Would I do it all over again?

About a month ago I had the opportunity to go to NYC for National Wear Red day. It was another amazing trip and I was surrounded by people that I love, but people that never would have been in my life had I never had my heart attack. It was a trip full of things to do and after the party at the Nasdaq where I met Joan Lunden, Star Jones, and Cheryl Hines...a few of us gathered in the hotel lobby for a late dinner and drinks.
A question that has been brewing in my mind pretty much since the day I had my heart attack was blurted out by me...finally. It's always been a question I've been scared to ask the other women who I have had the pleasure of working with this past year. I don't know what made me finally blurt it out, but I did and I was suprised by everyone's honesty. The question was this, "If you could take back your experience with heart disease, would you. Do you ever wish this hadn't happened?"
Lori Anne, without a bit of hesitancy responded, "Yes!" I was shocked she candidly talked about how she wishes it had never happened and spoke of being saved because of science...she believes there is no purpose or fate to anything...it just is.
My feelings on the subject are however, a bit different I guess. There is a part of me, albeit a very small part, that does wish this had never happened. I mean...if I hadn't had a heart attack, I would be married, I would be a CRNA already, my life would be completely different. But then I think to myself, I wouldn't have had some of the amazing experiences I have had. Blessings have come into my life because of this, most importantly the relationships I have developed with others. I have met some of the most incredible people through the work I have done with the American Heart Association. My life has truly been blessed because of those people...and they know who they are.
But then I think of how my relationships have changed since I had my heart attack. The friendships that I've lost or have been changed because of all that I went through. I touched on it before but in a 6 month period I had a massive heart attack, became critically ill with liver and pancreas problems, lost a baby, had to dismiss graduate school, and finally said goodbye to the love of my life. And all the while people all around me shut down...while I kept a smile on my face. I can literally count on one hand the number of close friends I still speak with. It's so funny to me, but people didn't know how to react to me being sick...they withdrew themselves from my life and when they did see me...they didn't know what to say. It was awkward...so very awkward...and I miss these friends. I miss the life I had before I got sick, but at the same time feel so very blessed in so many ways.
It's funny because as I sit here and type, I guess in my heart I do believe or wish none of what I went through had happened. I mean...I was happy and grateful before I had a heart attack. It's not as though I was this horrible person...I did not have a "Scrooge" moment is what I guess I'm trying to say. I lived a good life, but deep down even if I wish this had never happened, there is nothing I can do to change it. It's like in the "Lord of the Rings," when Frodo is speaking with Gandalf about the ring he says, referring to the ring, to Gandalf, "I wish this had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened." Gandalf in reply says to Frodo, "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."
And so, all that is left for me is to decide what to do with the time that has been given me...I am after all living on borrowed time. I shouldn't be alive! And I have to believe that it happened for a reason. So, I am turning in my application to graduate school and I am going to try to make the best of the hand I have been dealt. I have no choice. It is what it is, and while I mourn for the life I had...I have to make a new life for myself.