A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

  " Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is going to come from, the next smile. The next wish come true. But if you believe that it is right around the corner. And you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it. To the certainty of it.  You just might get the thing you're wishing for. The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it?  Good. Now believe in it. With all your heart."

I have been doing a lot of contemplating over the course of the past couple of months. Just mostly trying to figure things out and think about what I most want out of life. I've come to the scary realization, that life is what you make it and a lot of us live our lives in fear. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to live  my life and live it fully. Achieving the dreams I have in my heart.

So, what am I doing about it? Well, I've taken the GRE and I did quite well :D Yay for me. Now, I can begin the long process of applying to graduate school...AGAIN. Yes, I was in school, when my life seemed to fall apart around me. But guess, what? My life really wasn't falling apart, but falling together. See, I've come to realize that in life, there are no accidents. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, happens for a reason. I don't pretend to have all the answers, but I have faith that I am a part of this game we call life for a specific purpose and my life has been designed for me. We can look at the things that have happened in our lives as stumbling blocks or stepping stones and I choose to see all that I've been through as a giant stepping stone for something better. I have been living in fear for too long. Putting school off and just going through the motions. It's time to make this dream a reality.

Something else I've learned, I want to love again. When you are suddenly single and it comes out of nowhere, it is quite easy to believe that you're not worth it. Well, guess what? I am worth it and just because my ex didn't see me as something wonderful, and someone worth fighting for, doesn't mean that I'm not someone worth loving. I think in the course of the past 3 years or so I've been very successful at pushing people away and using my past as an excuse for people to not be with me. Well, guess what? I'm better than that now. I believe all that I did when my life was "falling together," makes me that much  more loveable. I took the situation of my heart attack and stood up for women with heart disease everywhere and in my humble opinion, that makes me kinda a big deal ;)

The bottom line? Life is worth living. Dreams are worth chasing. Anything you want can be yours if you believe and work your tail off :D And I belief I have much more yet to accomplish! I'm here to live my life!

So this past week has been most interesting for me. It was the first year anniversary of my sister's untimely passing. I had a difficult time, but was surrounded by friends who helped me to smile and laugh. A group of friends met at the Olive Garden (one of my sister's favorite eating establishments) and I had a great dinner with amazing friends :) It was so thoughtful and kind of them to be willing to help me celebrate my sister's life.
Someof my friends also gave me a list of song's to listen to, to help me get through the day. One of the songs is called "Homesick" by Mercy Me. Part of the lyrics go something like this:

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
'Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I have been thinking of these lyrics and the measure and value of faith for the past couple of days. I guess if you are Christian, you are expected to have a blind sort of faith, to not really question why things happen, but to know that they have their purpose. I have not always believed this, but when I share all that has happened in my life the past 3 years, I realize that maybe I got so sick and lost everything that was important to me at the time, so that I would be better prepared to deal/cope with losing my sister. It has been quite difficult to deal with her passing, I miss her more than I could have possibly ever imagined. However, like the lyrics of the song say, even if I knew why she had to pass, it wouldn't ease the pain one bit. I would still long to hear her voice on the phone, to see her dancing the way she always did. So, I guess, I just have to trust in my Heavenly Father that everything has it's purpose. I still sometimes wonder why I had to go through so much and why my sister had to be taken so tragically leaving behind two small children. But I know without a doubt that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me. And I guess that is all I really need to know.

I am so thankful for such loving friends who through their actions show me unconditional love and who are there for me on the tough days.

Too much time goes by without me updating my blog. I so need to do better. Life overall is pretty great. I'm working on reapplying to graduate school, finally! I'm taking the GRE in a couple of weeks and recertifying my CCRN. I'm excited for that and have the field of schools I'm applying to narrowed down. I would love to go back to UPenn and I'm sure I will be accepted there, but with all that has happened, I need to do what is best and we will see where that lands me.
This entire month with my sister's birthday today, has been quite difficult. I've been thinking about her endlessly and the memories just seem to sting, like a raw sunburn. For those that know me, Jane and I were about as opposite as two sister's can be. We were like oil and water, but I loved her more than she ever knew. I have so many fond memories of her. One of my favorite memories was the summer we first moved to SC. We were just sitting in my bedroom and she was putting makeup on me and told me, "You are such a pretty girl!" I will never forget that. It is perhaps one of the few times I have ever felt pretty. She made me feel like I was the prettiest girl around and that is a feeling I will never forget. I'm so grateful for that moment and memory.
As I was struggling last night with the feelings of missing her, I decided to go upstairs and read. I've been reading a book by Gerald N. Lund entitled, "Look Up, My Soul: The Divine Promise of Hope." It's a marvelous book and as I was reading last night, I read the following:"In any heartbreak there is just so much hurt, so much pain, so much loneliness. Those are part of human experience and God does not always deaden them or take them away. But though He does not always lighten the load, He does reinforce the bridge." We are carried through our difficult times and in the end we come out stronger and more readily prepared to deal with other challenges which we might face. I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves us. I'm grateful for hope, for I know that, "Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies." I know that there is always hope and I know without a shadow of a doubt, that I will see my dear, sweet sister one day.
I can only hope that my sister looks down and sees the love that I have for her. I hope somehow she knows that she is never far from my thoughts. When I think of her I think of a poem by E.E. Cummings. This is the poem:

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
--e. e. cummings

I truly hope that my sister knows, that I carry her heart with me, I carry it in my heart. Her two precious children are always on the forefront of my mind and I hope that I can be the aunt to them that they deserve. I hope that I can make them feel loved all the time.

I can't believe it has been 9 months since my sister's passing. I miss her everyday, but believe with all my heart that she is never too far away.

It's so easy to lose focus isn't it? In many ways I feel like I've wasted the last several weeks of my life. I have much to be focused on, and instead have been selfishly focusing on myself and spending a lot of idle time not doing a whole lot.
This past Thursday, I spoke at an event I was invited to speak at by the American Heart Association. For the first time since I started doing all of the volunteer work with the American Heart Association, I was actually nervous to speak. Nervous, you ask? I know it seems ridiculous that someone as outspoken as myself could actually be nervous, but I was. That is because I had some friends in the audience. It was great fun to share my story. After I had spoken I was thanked profusely, and lots of kind words were spoken about how wonderful I am for being so proactive in the cause. It is so humbling to hear people speak such kind words about me. I,honestly, can't imagine not doing what I'm doing to help spread the word on women and heart disease. I mean, if I could have a heart attack, couldn't any woman? I dare say, yes.
I can't believe it's been going on 6 months since my sister has passed away. I'm having a bad night anyway, but it's really difficult on these nights to know that I can't call my older, wiser sister. I can just hear her now, "Katy, stop being so silly. You are a wonderful girl and you deserve so much." I imagine she's looking down from heaven and shaking her finger and shouting, "Katy, snap out of it."
But it's hard to snap out of it. Memories that I don't share very often of my heart attack come flashing into my mind. The memory of the life I had before it all happened. I've never been one to say having a heart attack ruined my life. Having a heart attack didn't ruin my life, it changed my life; and it changed me. I'm not the same person, I wasn't ever going to be the same person and at times it breaks my heart to know that those closest to me at that time are no longer a part of my life. It's funny, I knew that it had changed my life, and I don't even mean in a bad way necessarily, but those closest to me didn't want it to change my life. They wanted me to carry on like nothing had happened.
I like to believe that I am a better person today than I was 3 years ago. Who can really say if I am or not. I've always been a nice person, probably way too nice for my own good. I know my body has changed and to be honest, for the most part I'm completely okay with that. I'm alive and that's what matters.
I think if there is anything negative that has come out of this it's that I feel like people feel sorry for me for all that I went through...and I don't want anyones sympathy. The only other thing that has changed is that I have zero confidence with guys...but when the one person you love more than anything tells you that "you ruined his life," it's hard to not hear that voice in your head.
I'm not perfect, and I have to stay focused on my running, on going back to CRNA school, and on my niece and nephew. I was supposed to be going to New Orleans this week to run my first 1/2 marathon since my heart attack, but decided I want to take my sister's kids to Disney World instead. They deserve it and right now they should be my main priority. If nothing else I have to do right by my sister, by doing right for them.
Tomorrow is a new day and I'm sure I'll awake with a smile on my face maybe...maybe it will take a day or two. But like I've said before, "I'm the master of my fate, I'm the captain of my soul." I'm a happy girl...it's who I am, so I know everything is gonna be just fine :)

Running...

I've been running a lot this past week. I am sore and tired, but the feeling of accomplishment from doing what was once such a huge part of my life, brings such a sweet satisfaction and such a feeling of gratitude that I am often overcome with joy. Joy that I have my life back...a life that I almost lost, but have fought with every ounce of energy I have, to regain.
As I was thinking about all this, I had a thought. I was never one to run marathons to win. I ran to say that I had run a marathon...it was pure vanity. I realized today that winning isn't the most important thing. Sure it's great to have a competitive edge, but the real winning comes in doing the impossible, in rising every time we fall, and in never letting go of faith or hope. One of my favorite quotes goes something like this,
"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours."
Three years ago I almost let this happen to me. As I lay in the hospital bed after having a heart attack and looking at the man I then loved, I actually said to him, "I think you should leave. This is too much and you shouldn't have to go through this with me. You didn't sign up for this." I sat there thinking, "This is it. I'm never running again. My life is over." Luckily, my attitude changed quickly and I realized I had to get back up.
It was about 4 weeks after my heart attack and I was home alone for the first time. Brad, my ex had gone to work and his parents had gone back home to NC and my parents had returned to Portland, OR. I sat there thinking and decided, "I'm not gonna sit here. It is time to get this done."
I walked back to our master bedroom. Walked into my closet with my heart pounding and every step feeling like I was walking in quick sand. I grabbed my running shoes and with trepidation put them on and laced them up. The whole while, the voice in my head saying, "You can't do this. You almost died."
But I shouted back..."I didn't die. I'm here to live and here for a purpose!" I grabbed my iPod and headed out the door. One foot in front of the other. I couldn't run, but I could do all the walking I wanted to do, was what the doctors said. I did it. I walked for 40 minutes and when I got back to our apartment I burst into tears. I had done it...and I hadn't died in the process.
Flash forward 3 years and I am now running and preparing to run my first 1/2 marathon. It has taken me a long, long time to get here, but the point is I am here. A lot has changed. I'm single now, I'm applying to graduate school, I've lost a sister, and my nephew has a new liver. The point is this. Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans. But if we have faith that everything happens for a reason, and if we believe that good things do happen, we can see everyday that they do.
I am blessed beyond measure. Lately I have had so many people telling me how much they admire me, or what an inspiring person I am. I smile and tell them, "I'm just me. I've done what anyone in my shoes would've done." The truth, maybe I am a great girl, but I wouldn't be where I am without the knowledge that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me very much, a Father in Heaven who believes in me and has put me here for a reason. I don't pretend to understand the why's of why we go through what we go through, but I do know that I am thankful for everything that I've been through, and am especially thankful for, "my unconquerable soul!"

Spending time today with my family was amazing. I am blessed beyond measure. As I interact with my nieces and nephews I can only hope to one day have a family of my own. Their smiles brighten my day and their faith teaches me something everytime I'm around them. I truly am blessed beyond measure.