I'm not good at this blog thing :) It is hard for me to take the time to sit down and actually right. I think mostly because I don't want to post anything that sounds too negative. I try to stay upbeat and positive and to not discuss the fact that I'm having an impossible time; especially when I know that there are others who are far worse off than I am.
I know Jane must be smiling down from heaven and so very happy that her precious little boy Elijah, my nephew, is doing so well with his liver transplant. He is still in the hospital, but doctors are hopeful he will be home by the end of the week. He sounds very good when I talk to him on the phone. He is definitely loving his new liver.
Elijah's sister, Sophia, had a very difficult day today. She was sad most of the day missing her mommy and wishing her mommy could be with her this Christmas Day. The only words I could say as she was crying on the phone were, "Mommy loves you very much. Mommy is looking down on you and watching over you every minute of every day." I'm not sure they brought much comfort, but a family member texted me and said, "Sophia is smiling now and she loves hearing your voice." Words that brought comfort, but also broke my heart. How I want to be in NC to let her know just how much I love her!
I worked last night and it was a great night. I realize as I take care of patients just how blessed I really am. I love what I do and feel it a blessing and privilege to be able to take care of patients at such difficult times. The one good thing about work is that I am able to take my mind off of things and get lost in caring for others.
In small talk this morning towards the end of the shift one of my coworkers asked me what I was doing? I asked him, "What do you mean?"  He said he had heard I was moving and I said probably not until I go to CRNA school. He asked me when and where I was going and I explained that I hope to be going back to UPenn where I was going when I had my heart attack, but then I explained I have to think of other things before I decide though...meaning my niece and nephew. One of the resident physicians then said, "Just do it! Go now or you'll always keep putting it off."
I had never really thought about that...but it's been 3 years now and here I am in the same place. I need to get on with my life and accept that though things are different I have the whole world in front of me and it is my life to live. Of course, this resident doesn't know all that's happened in the past 3 years....but does that really matter. It doesn't matter, I guess, but I've been pretending that it does matter. All that matters is today and getting on with things and that's what I have to do. I have wanted to go to Penn forever and I was there once and I have to believe I can get back.
This is a random posting I guess, but to all who read this, know that I hope you have had the Merriest of Christmas's. This time of year is a time to reflect and be grateful for the things which are truly important...family and friends. Hold onto what you have because you truly don't know when it will be gone. Life can change in the blink of an eye. And life is much too precious to waste time and to leave things unsaid. So live your lives treasuring on a daily basis those blessings you do have :)
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year...

I have so much on my mind right now. Two weeks ago at this time I was getting ready to head into work. I did work, then as I was leaving work I got the dreaded phone call. I remember so clearly hearing my father tell me what had happened to my sister, and him saying, "It doesn't look good." I didn't need to hear my dad say those words, as a nurse, I new from what he had told me that it was bad. My heart sank and I fell to the floor sobbing. The next several days are a blur; I don't remember too many details of what happened and now every minute seems to linger, with a hollow empty feeling. I miss my sister Jane so much...she was my sister and my dear friend. I think of my niece and nephew...still so young and wonder how are they ever gonna know or fully understand how much she did for them; how much she loved them; how much she sacrificed for them as a single parent.

I was raised to believe in God and to trust in him always, but right now I am struggling. I usually do my best to not complain nor do I usually question the plans that a loving Heavenly Father has in store for me, but this seems too overwhelming right now.

After Brad and I broke up he told me one night that me getting sick was "Karma coming back to me." Those words stung like salt in a fresh wound and for a long, long time I believed him. I thought I must be an awful person and surely I must have done something wrong to deserve losing everything that mattered to me...my grad school, my love, a baby, everything. Then one day I woke up and realized I didn't do anything to deserve that, but now with the passing of my sister I find myself questioning again. Maybe Brad was right. Maybe I am this awful person who deserves all of this. I really don't know at this point.

I don't know why I have to go through all this. It makes no logical sense to me and for the first time in a long time I am feeling sorry for myself and that makes me feel even worse. I have worked the past three nights and I look at everyone around me whose lives seem pretty care free and wonder why am I having to endure so much...at my age, haven't I been through enough?

This all makes me feel week. I should be stronger. I should be able to shrug it off and have faith that God knows best. Afterall, who am I to question His designs, but I am questioning. As all around me try to remind me that I am strong, I remind them that I am human...and not that strong.

I know there are many who suffer much more than I have and I know that I have an awful lot to be grateful for...but it is hard to accept. I feel so alone and feel like it is never gonna be alright for me...when is everything gonna be okay????

I don't mean to be so negative, but it's just how I'm feeling right now...maybe I'm just lacking faith...

Just Been Thinking...

It's been way too long since I've written in here. Sometimes I forget that the link to my blog is up on facebook...and then people I add read it and seem surprised by what I've been through. It's funny in a way to me because it is my life. Most days it doesn't even phase me all that happened. Most days I feel an overwhelming amount of gratitude for all the good that came out of what I went through.
I can honestly say that life is somewhat boringly normal these days. I seem to have settled into my old routines. Mostly that includes working out and training for a 1/2 marathon. I'm going to do one in California with my good friend Stacy and then I'm gonna do one in March in New Orleans. I'm very excited for both of those things.
I've even returned to dating...much to my surprise. And as any of you who aren't tied down know, dating brings it's own set of challenges. I've met some great people...and some not so great ones and it has been a most interesting experience. I find myself most days optimistic for the future and all that is ahead for me :)
I think the hardest part recently has been missing the baby I lost. It stings so badly if I let myself think about it. Though I most often deny it...I was a typical little girl. I dreamed of my wedding and dreamed of having a family. I don't need to be reminded by anybody, that I don't have children...I know that all too well. As I know I most likely will never have children. Which is fine...I have to accept whatever my Heavenly Father has planned for me. Although, doctors have said it's ok for me to have kids...who knows if I'll meet anyone and I'm way too scared to get pregnant, as a nurse I've seen way too much. And that is all ok with me.
At work the other night, I sat with my patient who is dying from pancreatic cancer. This man is young by todays standards...60 or so and has so much faith. He has been unable to sleep and so the other night I just went into his room and sat and talked with him. He began sharing scriptures with me and it just brought the biggest feeling of peace into the room. I have moments like that at work that remind me over and over just how blessed I am. I have more yet to accomplish here in this life and I'm ready to do that.
My year as a spokesperson for the American Heart Associations Go Red for Women campaign is over...but I will continue to volunteer with the cause and I will continue to share my story. Though I often times wonder, why am I still here?  Or why did I have to go through everything? I know I am blessed beyond measure. I don't think we're supposed to understand the why here in this life...maybe the answers come in the end when we've proven ourselves to be  faithful. I really don't need answers though...I am here for a purpose and though I may not know what that purpose is, I will do my best to discover it.
Though people will always disappoint me and say and do things I don't understand...I will still smile the same smile I always do...knowing that "life is 10% what happens to us...and 90% how we react." We choose how we react...we may not choose what others do...but we control our reactions :)
I hope this finds anyone who reads it well. I know I've rambled...but just wanted to jot some thoughts down :)

Inner Peace...

Theodore Roosevelt once said,"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."
I acknowledge that I am an ordinary person. By no means am I great and in no way do I profess to have made a difference in the lives of others over the course of the past year as a spokeswoman for the "Go Red for Women" campaign for the American Heart Association. I have merely become active in a cause that means an awful lot to me and in so doing I have been changed in many ways. I have merely attempted to turn something horrible into something positive; or rather, make the experience of all that I have gone through have some sort of purpose.
So, when I received a phone call from my best friend, Kimmie, in NC, it quite honestly came as a big surprise to me to learn that the person I cared most about in this world was fabricating the facts of my story. No, this wasn't Kimmie spreading the lies...it was the person who I thought was gonna be by my side for the rest of my life. I was hurt to learn that he and many of his friends think I'm "crazy." To think that I have ever blamed him for any of this is ludicrous. I mean anyone who knows me knows that all I have ever said, is that he left me when I needed him the most. I have never faulted him for causing my heart attack or any of the other problems that resulted from the heart attack. And I have even tried to empathize with him leaving me.
I think what hurts most is that so many others believe him. It makes me wonder if they ever really knew me. I know I shouldn't care what they think, afterall, I am 2000 miles away now, but it hurts. I spent a good amount of time with him and it all seems wasted now. I guess I didn't ever expect to hear from him after the news stories and such, and I never expected him to contact me, but I at least expected him to be happy for me. That is all...to maybe see me on the "Today Show," and be happy at what I was doing, but he didn't do that while he was with me, so I guess why would he do it now?
I don't expect for anyone to think I'm anything extraordinary. I am who I am and I did my best while I was sick to never complain, to never ask why. I did have the faith of a child when I was sick...I knew I was eventually gonna get better and that was it. There is no use in getting angry over our circumstances when faced with a situation like that because anger won't change anything. Even now, when my angry lil' pancreas acts up I don't get frustrated...what's the use...it won't make my pancreas suddenly decide to behave, right?
I'm not perfect.  I do make mistakes and I am just me...doing the best I can with the cards I've been dealt. And while Brad can continue to hate me, I will never say a bad word about him. I never have, nor will I ever. That's not how I roll :) Even as I've let go, he is buried in a special place of my heart forever...and for a brief moment it stung and hurt when I realized he was portraying me as a crazy person, but I know who I am and that is all that matters!
It should be all that matters to any of us. Why do we believe the negative things people say about us so easily? I don't know why that is...but I know that this past year of trying to do good and working with the American Heart Association has blessed my life in so many ways and I am content with the path in which my life has gone. At the end of the day, I can close my eyes knowing that I have done my best to press forward and to make a difference...and that peace is stronger than anything negative anyone might say about me. And if I have failed in any way, I have done so, "...daring greatly!"

What if...

This past week has been pretty emotional for me. I had a tremendous opportunity to take care of an amazing kid who was paralyzed in a snowboarding accident. The experience of it touched my heart for so many reasons. This 19 year old boy has faced the challenge of being paralyzed from the neck down with a smile on his face and the faith of a child. As I was preparing to leave work the other morning his mother stopped me to say something and then gave me a hug thanking me for all that I had done. I told her, with tears in my eyes, that it had been such a blessing for me to take care of her son. I told her that he and his family have taught me so much about faith and what it means to stick by one another through these difficult times. I didn't mean too, but I made her cry and then of course, I started crying.
In a lot of ways this experience reminded me of all that I had gone through and how truly blessed I am. What I went through doesn't even compare to the magnitude of what this poor kid will have to endure, but somehow he smiles and makes all who are around him smile and laugh. He even sang to me the other night...I guess he didn't want to hear me singing because I told him, "I bet if I start singing I can make you laugh really hard." So instead of listening to me, he went ahead and sang.
I was running the other afternoon before heading into work and was thinking of everything he was facing and everything I had been through when I had a thought. What if... before we came to this life on earth we were presented with possible trials by our Father in Heaven. You know...like there was this big meeting and we were all sitting around listening to our Father in Heaven present different possible trials.And I thought maybe I raised my hand and volunteered to have the heart attack and get really sick from one of the medicines and to lose a baby and the love of my life. Maybe I volunteered to go through that so someone else wouldn't have to. And maybe, just maybe this stalwart young boy I speak of volunteered to do the same so that one of his friends or siblings wouldn't have to endure it. Because before coming to earth, we understood the plan of our Father in Heaven, we understood that if we proved faithful we would return to live with Him someday. It was just a thought, and I in no way intend to impose my thoughts on anyone, but it was a special moment for me and in a flash I thought how much I turned away from my God when I was going through everything. I couldn't believe that a loving Heavenly Father would let a "child" go through all of that, but I was wrong. I know now that I got through all of that because my Heavenly Father carried me through it...there was no way I got through it on my own.
I was reminded again today of how my life would be different if I hadn't made some of the choices I made several years ago. I ran into an old acquaintance in Harmon's (UT grocery store). I had taught this young man Spanish in the Missionary Training Center in Provo, UT. Several years have passed since my teaching days in the MTC and it was crazy to see him and hear of his life. It made me sad for a minute (a few minutes actually) as I thought on the road I had taken when I left UT seven years ago, but then I felt immense gratitude for where I am today. For in the end, today is what counts. We can't go back and take back our mistakes, but today we can forge ahead with faith and hope.
I am grateful for new friends I'm making. The life I'm loving here in UT, and for this young patient I was blessed to take care of and his family. They are examples to me of faith and courage. I have learned lessons I will never forget and for that I feel lucky.

The Art of Letting Go...

So, since my journey, I have consciously been trying to let go. Let go of the life I had before I got sick, trying to let go of Brad, trying to let go of the loss of a baby. Today as I was contemplating everything and where I am, one of my favorite poems came to mind. "One Art" by Elizabeth Bishop. Here it is:

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.


--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied.  It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster

Bishop writes that the art of losing "isn't hard to master." I wonder...is it really easy to let go and lose...do we make it much more difficult than it has to be? Maybe we believe it might be a disaster, like Bishop writes, but in the end...it really isn't so bad? I think maybe when we get to the end of our grief and look back we realize it isn't a disaster, but while living it, I can say first hand that it is a disaster.
When I look back two years ago, I honestly don't know how I got through it all. The only answer I can really come up with is that I'm stronger than I think I am...and in reality I think most of us are stronger than we think we are.
But the truth is I have had a tough time of it. By nature I am a pretty happy, go lucky type of girl. I've always looked at the bright side of things and have always from the time I was little, had a smile on my face. But this has been difficult for me. For one reason or another, I have found myself clinging to the past...especially to Brad. I haven't had much of a desire to date and move forward. I often think of the baby I would have and I find myself thinking of how much Brad has missed out on because he chose to walk away.
So, I get tired of clinging to the past and today I decided to do something about it. I remembered an old episode of "Desperate Housewives," where Gabby lets go of a balloon in a symbolic fashion of letting go of the baby she miscarried and the grief. I decided to try that out.
I went to the store and bought 3 red (my favorite color) balloons and then drove to one of my favorite running spots here in Salt Lake City. I sat in my car for a few minutes and pondered all that I've been through. I then stepped out of my car and gazed at the beauty that was all around me. I promised myself that this was it...I'm letting go of Brad, the life I had before I got sick, and the baby...and letting go of the grief that has often times suffocated me.
I released the balloons and as I watched them disappear out of sight, tears filled my eyes. Tears of sorrow for what I lost, and tears of joy and gratitude for what lies ahead. There is no looking back anymore. I went through hell, but that hell doesn't define me...I am so much more than all of that. And the knowledge of that fills me with great hope. Hope for a better and happier future.
I heard a quote on tv the other day and I would like to close with those words tonight.

"You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate or bad luck or bad choices. Or you can fight back.
Things aren't always going to be fair in the real world. That's just the way it is.
But for the most part, you get what you give.
The rest of your life is being shaped right now. With the dreams you chase. The choices you make. and the person you decide to be.
The rest of your life is a long time. And the rest of your life starts right now."

The rest of my life starts right now!

Would I do it all over again?

About a month ago I had the opportunity to go to NYC for National Wear Red day. It was another amazing trip and I was surrounded by people that I love, but people that never would have been in my life had I never had my heart attack. It was a trip full of things to do and after the party at the Nasdaq where I met Joan Lunden, Star Jones, and Cheryl Hines...a few of us gathered in the hotel lobby for a late dinner and drinks.
A question that has been brewing in my mind pretty much since the day I had my heart attack was blurted out by me...finally. It's always been a question I've been scared to ask the other women who I have had the pleasure of working with this past year. I don't know what made me finally blurt it out, but I did and I was suprised by everyone's honesty. The question was this, "If you could take back your experience with heart disease, would you. Do you ever wish this hadn't happened?"
Lori Anne, without a bit of hesitancy responded, "Yes!" I was shocked she candidly talked about how she wishes it had never happened and spoke of being saved because of science...she believes there is no purpose or fate to anything...it just is.
My feelings on the subject are however, a bit different I guess. There is a part of me, albeit a very small part, that does wish this had never happened. I mean...if I hadn't had a heart attack, I would be married, I would be a CRNA already, my life would be completely different. But then I think to myself, I wouldn't have had some of the amazing experiences I have had. Blessings have come into my life because of this, most importantly the relationships I have developed with others. I have met some of the most incredible people through the work I have done with the American Heart Association. My life has truly been blessed because of those people...and they know who they are.
But then I think of how my relationships have changed since I had my heart attack. The friendships that I've lost or have been changed because of all that I went through. I touched on it before but in a 6 month period I had a massive heart attack, became critically ill with liver and pancreas problems, lost a baby, had to dismiss graduate school, and finally said goodbye to the love of my life. And all the while people all around me shut down...while I kept a smile on my face. I can literally count on one hand the number of close friends I still speak with. It's so funny to me, but people didn't know how to react to me being sick...they withdrew themselves from my life and when they did see me...they didn't know what to say. It was awkward...so very awkward...and I miss these friends. I miss the life I had before I got sick, but at the same time feel so very blessed in so many ways.
It's funny because as I sit here and type, I guess in my heart I do believe or wish none of what I went through had happened. I mean...I was happy and grateful before I had a heart attack. It's not as though I was this horrible person...I did not have a "Scrooge" moment is what I guess I'm trying to say. I lived a good life, but deep down even if I wish this had never happened, there is nothing I can do to change it. It's like in the "Lord of the Rings," when Frodo is speaking with Gandalf about the ring he says, referring to the ring, to Gandalf, "I wish this had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened." Gandalf in reply says to Frodo, "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."
And so, all that is left for me is to decide what to do with the time that has been given me...I am after all living on borrowed time. I shouldn't be alive! And I have to believe that it happened for a reason. So, I am turning in my application to graduate school and I am going to try to make the best of the hand I have been dealt. I have no choice. It is what it is, and while I mourn for the life I had...I have to make a new life for myself.

My Heart Attack....

So many thoughts as I sit here and post my first blog entry. To give a brief background, 2 years ago, at the age of 28, I suffered a massive heart attack. It was a moment I will not forget, not ever. I was at what I thought was the prime of my life. I had a great man, Brad, I was starting a master's program in nurse anesthesia and I was happy. Yes, I was about as happy as anyone could be. That all changed on August 04, 2008.
The previous evening Brad and I had a date night. We came home and were laying in bed talking about how wonderful our life was...oh the irony...I guess we fell asleep but I awoke at about 230 feeling very sick. I thought it was food poisoning and when Brad awoke and suggested we go to the hospital, I scoffed. "It's just food poisoning, sweetie, go back to bed." Well, I awoke about and hour or so later and immediately knew I was having a heart attack. I couldn't breathe, I felt like there was an elephant on my chest, I was sweating profusely and then I looked in the mirror and I looked like a dead person. I immediately woke Brad up and said, "I'm having a heart attack we need to go to the hospital now!"
Sure enough, I was having a heart attack. I was flown from one hospital to the next and all I remember thinking was, "I've got my dad's heart." I couldn't believe it. Hadn't I done everything I was supposed to do...I was a runner, I ate a heart healthy diet, and I was only 28 years old. Sure I thought at some point in my life because of my dad's history I would deal with heart disease, but not at 28.
I recovered from my heart attack but then became critically ill with liver failure which turned into pancreatitis which landed me in the hospital for almost 4 months. Turns out Brad didn't want a sick wife, so he bailed and in the span of a few months my whole life was turned upside down.
Some have said, I was thrown under the bus. I guess it's all a matter of perspective. I'm not gonna lie, this was all a lot to deal with. Especially when you factor in that I lost a baby in the middle of it all. Some have even questioned how I got through it all. The answer is, I don't know. I did what I had to do and that is, I pressed forward with a hope in the future. Was I depressed, absolutely, but somewhere inside of me I knew that there was something better and a hope of a better day. I recited the words of my favorite poem over and over..."I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul." For those words speak truth.
Aren't we all the "master's of our fate," and the "captain's of our souls?" I would like to think that we are. I will try to continue tomorrow, but for now, this is the introduction to what I hope will become a cathartic space for me to share my thoughts. I truly, "thank whatever gods may be for MY unconquerable soul!"

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.