Theodore Roosevelt once said,"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."
I acknowledge that I am an ordinary person. By no means am I great and in no way do I profess to have made a difference in the lives of others over the course of the past year as a spokeswoman for the "Go Red for Women" campaign for the American Heart Association. I have merely become active in a cause that means an awful lot to me and in so doing I have been changed in many ways. I have merely attempted to turn something horrible into something positive; or rather, make the experience of all that I have gone through have some sort of purpose.
So, when I received a phone call from my best friend, Kimmie, in NC, it quite honestly came as a big surprise to me to learn that the person I cared most about in this world was fabricating the facts of my story. No, this wasn't Kimmie spreading the lies...it was the person who I thought was gonna be by my side for the rest of my life. I was hurt to learn that he and many of his friends think I'm "crazy." To think that I have ever blamed him for any of this is ludicrous. I mean anyone who knows me knows that all I have ever said, is that he left me when I needed him the most. I have never faulted him for causing my heart attack or any of the other problems that resulted from the heart attack. And I have even tried to empathize with him leaving me.
I think what hurts most is that so many others believe him. It makes me wonder if they ever really knew me. I know I shouldn't care what they think, afterall, I am 2000 miles away now, but it hurts. I spent a good amount of time with him and it all seems wasted now. I guess I didn't ever expect to hear from him after the news stories and such, and I never expected him to contact me, but I at least expected him to be happy for me. That is all...to maybe see me on the "Today Show," and be happy at what I was doing, but he didn't do that while he was with me, so I guess why would he do it now?
I don't expect for anyone to think I'm anything extraordinary. I am who I am and I did my best while I was sick to never complain, to never ask why. I did have the faith of a child when I was sick...I knew I was eventually gonna get better and that was it. There is no use in getting angry over our circumstances when faced with a situation like that because anger won't change anything. Even now, when my angry lil' pancreas acts up I don't get frustrated...what's the use...it won't make my pancreas suddenly decide to behave, right?
I'm not perfect. I do make mistakes and I am just me...doing the best I can with the cards I've been dealt. And while Brad can continue to hate me, I will never say a bad word about him. I never have, nor will I ever. That's not how I roll :) Even as I've let go, he is buried in a special place of my heart forever...and for a brief moment it stung and hurt when I realized he was portraying me as a crazy person, but I know who I am and that is all that matters!
It should be all that matters to any of us. Why do we believe the negative things people say about us so easily? I don't know why that is...but I know that this past year of trying to do good and working with the American Heart Association has blessed my life in so many ways and I am content with the path in which my life has gone. At the end of the day, I can close my eyes knowing that I have done my best to press forward and to make a difference...and that peace is stronger than anything negative anyone might say about me. And if I have failed in any way, I have done so, "...daring greatly!"
