It's so easy to lose focus isn't it? In many ways I feel like I've wasted the last several weeks of my life. I have much to be focused on, and instead have been selfishly focusing on myself and spending a lot of idle time not doing a whole lot.
This past Thursday, I spoke at an event I was invited to speak at by the American Heart Association. For the first time since I started doing all of the volunteer work with the American Heart Association, I was actually nervous to speak. Nervous, you ask? I know it seems ridiculous that someone as outspoken as myself could actually be nervous, but I was. That is because I had some friends in the audience. It was great fun to share my story. After I had spoken I was thanked profusely, and lots of kind words were spoken about how wonderful I am for being so proactive in the cause. It is so humbling to hear people speak such kind words about me. I,honestly, can't imagine not doing what I'm doing to help spread the word on women and heart disease. I mean, if I could have a heart attack, couldn't any woman? I dare say, yes.
I can't believe it's been going on 6 months since my sister has passed away. I'm having a bad night anyway, but it's really difficult on these nights to know that I can't call my older, wiser sister. I can just hear her now, "Katy, stop being so silly. You are a wonderful girl and you deserve so much." I imagine she's looking down from heaven and shaking her finger and shouting, "Katy, snap out of it."
But it's hard to snap out of it. Memories that I don't share very often of my heart attack come flashing into my mind. The memory of the life I had before it all happened. I've never been one to say having a heart attack ruined my life. Having a heart attack didn't ruin my life, it changed my life; and it changed me. I'm not the same person, I wasn't ever going to be the same person and at times it breaks my heart to know that those closest to me at that time are no longer a part of my life. It's funny, I knew that it had changed my life, and I don't even mean in a bad way necessarily, but those closest to me didn't want it to change my life. They wanted me to carry on like nothing had happened.
I like to believe that I am a better person today than I was 3 years ago. Who can really say if I am or not. I've always been a nice person, probably way too nice for my own good. I know my body has changed and to be honest, for the most part I'm completely okay with that. I'm alive and that's what matters.
I think if there is anything negative that has come out of this it's that I feel like people feel sorry for me for all that I went through...and I don't want anyones sympathy. The only other thing that has changed is that I have zero confidence with guys...but when the one person you love more than anything tells you that "you ruined his life," it's hard to not hear that voice in your head.
I'm not perfect, and I have to stay focused on my running, on going back to CRNA school, and on my niece and nephew. I was supposed to be going to New Orleans this week to run my first 1/2 marathon since my heart attack, but decided I want to take my sister's kids to Disney World instead. They deserve it and right now they should be my main priority. If nothing else I have to do right by my sister, by doing right for them.
Tomorrow is a new day and I'm sure I'll awake with a smile on my face maybe...maybe it will take a day or two. But like I've said before, "I'm the master of my fate, I'm the captain of my soul." I'm a happy girl...it's who I am, so I know everything is gonna be just fine :)