As I was thinking about all this, I had a thought. I was never one to run marathons to win. I ran to say that I had run a marathon...it was pure vanity. I realized today that winning isn't the most important thing. Sure it's great to have a competitive edge, but the real winning comes in doing the impossible, in rising every time we fall, and in never letting go of faith or hope. One of my favorite quotes goes something like this,
"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours."
Three years ago I almost let this happen to me. As I lay in the hospital bed after having a heart attack and looking at the man I then loved, I actually said to him, "I think you should leave. This is too much and you shouldn't have to go through this with me. You didn't sign up for this." I sat there thinking, "This is it. I'm never running again. My life is over." Luckily, my attitude changed quickly and I realized I had to get back up.
It was about 4 weeks after my heart attack and I was home alone for the first time. Brad, my ex had gone to work and his parents had gone back home to NC and my parents had returned to Portland, OR. I sat there thinking and decided, "I'm not gonna sit here. It is time to get this done."
I walked back to our master bedroom. Walked into my closet with my heart pounding and every step feeling like I was walking in quick sand. I grabbed my running shoes and with trepidation put them on and laced them up. The whole while, the voice in my head saying, "You can't do this. You almost died."
But I shouted back..."I didn't die. I'm here to live and here for a purpose!" I grabbed my iPod and headed out the door. One foot in front of the other. I couldn't run, but I could do all the walking I wanted to do, was what the doctors said. I did it. I walked for 40 minutes and when I got back to our apartment I burst into tears. I had done it...and I hadn't died in the process.
Flash forward 3 years and I am now running and preparing to run my first 1/2 marathon. It has taken me a long, long time to get here, but the point is I am here. A lot has changed. I'm single now, I'm applying to graduate school, I've lost a sister, and my nephew has a new liver. The point is this. Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans. But if we have faith that everything happens for a reason, and if we believe that good things do happen, we can see everyday that they do.
I am blessed beyond measure. Lately I have had so many people telling me how much they admire me, or what an inspiring person I am. I smile and tell them, "I'm just me. I've done what anyone in my shoes would've done." The truth, maybe I am a great girl, but I wouldn't be where I am without the knowledge that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me very much, a Father in Heaven who believes in me and has put me here for a reason. I don't pretend to understand the why's of why we go through what we go through, but I do know that I am thankful for everything that I've been through, and am especially thankful for, "my unconquerable soul!"
