I have so much on my mind right now. Two weeks ago at this time I was getting ready to head into work. I did work, then as I was leaving work I got the dreaded phone call. I remember so clearly hearing my father tell me what had happened to my sister, and him saying, "It doesn't look good." I didn't need to hear my dad say those words, as a nurse, I new from what he had told me that it was bad. My heart sank and I fell to the floor sobbing. The next several days are a blur; I don't remember too many details of what happened and now every minute seems to linger, with a hollow empty feeling. I miss my sister Jane so much...she was my sister and my dear friend. I think of my niece and nephew...still so young and wonder how are they ever gonna know or fully understand how much she did for them; how much she loved them; how much she sacrificed for them as a single parent.

I was raised to believe in God and to trust in him always, but right now I am struggling. I usually do my best to not complain nor do I usually question the plans that a loving Heavenly Father has in store for me, but this seems too overwhelming right now.

After Brad and I broke up he told me one night that me getting sick was "Karma coming back to me." Those words stung like salt in a fresh wound and for a long, long time I believed him. I thought I must be an awful person and surely I must have done something wrong to deserve losing everything that mattered to me...my grad school, my love, a baby, everything. Then one day I woke up and realized I didn't do anything to deserve that, but now with the passing of my sister I find myself questioning again. Maybe Brad was right. Maybe I am this awful person who deserves all of this. I really don't know at this point.

I don't know why I have to go through all this. It makes no logical sense to me and for the first time in a long time I am feeling sorry for myself and that makes me feel even worse. I have worked the past three nights and I look at everyone around me whose lives seem pretty care free and wonder why am I having to endure so much...at my age, haven't I been through enough?

This all makes me feel week. I should be stronger. I should be able to shrug it off and have faith that God knows best. Afterall, who am I to question His designs, but I am questioning. As all around me try to remind me that I am strong, I remind them that I am human...and not that strong.

I know there are many who suffer much more than I have and I know that I have an awful lot to be grateful for...but it is hard to accept. I feel so alone and feel like it is never gonna be alright for me...when is everything gonna be okay????

I don't mean to be so negative, but it's just how I'm feeling right now...maybe I'm just lacking faith...

Just Been Thinking...

It's been way too long since I've written in here. Sometimes I forget that the link to my blog is up on facebook...and then people I add read it and seem surprised by what I've been through. It's funny in a way to me because it is my life. Most days it doesn't even phase me all that happened. Most days I feel an overwhelming amount of gratitude for all the good that came out of what I went through.
I can honestly say that life is somewhat boringly normal these days. I seem to have settled into my old routines. Mostly that includes working out and training for a 1/2 marathon. I'm going to do one in California with my good friend Stacy and then I'm gonna do one in March in New Orleans. I'm very excited for both of those things.
I've even returned to dating...much to my surprise. And as any of you who aren't tied down know, dating brings it's own set of challenges. I've met some great people...and some not so great ones and it has been a most interesting experience. I find myself most days optimistic for the future and all that is ahead for me :)
I think the hardest part recently has been missing the baby I lost. It stings so badly if I let myself think about it. Though I most often deny it...I was a typical little girl. I dreamed of my wedding and dreamed of having a family. I don't need to be reminded by anybody, that I don't have children...I know that all too well. As I know I most likely will never have children. Which is fine...I have to accept whatever my Heavenly Father has planned for me. Although, doctors have said it's ok for me to have kids...who knows if I'll meet anyone and I'm way too scared to get pregnant, as a nurse I've seen way too much. And that is all ok with me.
At work the other night, I sat with my patient who is dying from pancreatic cancer. This man is young by todays standards...60 or so and has so much faith. He has been unable to sleep and so the other night I just went into his room and sat and talked with him. He began sharing scriptures with me and it just brought the biggest feeling of peace into the room. I have moments like that at work that remind me over and over just how blessed I am. I have more yet to accomplish here in this life and I'm ready to do that.
My year as a spokesperson for the American Heart Associations Go Red for Women campaign is over...but I will continue to volunteer with the cause and I will continue to share my story. Though I often times wonder, why am I still here?  Or why did I have to go through everything? I know I am blessed beyond measure. I don't think we're supposed to understand the why here in this life...maybe the answers come in the end when we've proven ourselves to be  faithful. I really don't need answers though...I am here for a purpose and though I may not know what that purpose is, I will do my best to discover it.
Though people will always disappoint me and say and do things I don't understand...I will still smile the same smile I always do...knowing that "life is 10% what happens to us...and 90% how we react." We choose how we react...we may not choose what others do...but we control our reactions :)
I hope this finds anyone who reads it well. I know I've rambled...but just wanted to jot some thoughts down :)