Would I do it all over again?

About a month ago I had the opportunity to go to NYC for National Wear Red day. It was another amazing trip and I was surrounded by people that I love, but people that never would have been in my life had I never had my heart attack. It was a trip full of things to do and after the party at the Nasdaq where I met Joan Lunden, Star Jones, and Cheryl Hines...a few of us gathered in the hotel lobby for a late dinner and drinks.
A question that has been brewing in my mind pretty much since the day I had my heart attack was blurted out by me...finally. It's always been a question I've been scared to ask the other women who I have had the pleasure of working with this past year. I don't know what made me finally blurt it out, but I did and I was suprised by everyone's honesty. The question was this, "If you could take back your experience with heart disease, would you. Do you ever wish this hadn't happened?"
Lori Anne, without a bit of hesitancy responded, "Yes!" I was shocked she candidly talked about how she wishes it had never happened and spoke of being saved because of science...she believes there is no purpose or fate to anything...it just is.
My feelings on the subject are however, a bit different I guess. There is a part of me, albeit a very small part, that does wish this had never happened. I mean...if I hadn't had a heart attack, I would be married, I would be a CRNA already, my life would be completely different. But then I think to myself, I wouldn't have had some of the amazing experiences I have had. Blessings have come into my life because of this, most importantly the relationships I have developed with others. I have met some of the most incredible people through the work I have done with the American Heart Association. My life has truly been blessed because of those people...and they know who they are.
But then I think of how my relationships have changed since I had my heart attack. The friendships that I've lost or have been changed because of all that I went through. I touched on it before but in a 6 month period I had a massive heart attack, became critically ill with liver and pancreas problems, lost a baby, had to dismiss graduate school, and finally said goodbye to the love of my life. And all the while people all around me shut down...while I kept a smile on my face. I can literally count on one hand the number of close friends I still speak with. It's so funny to me, but people didn't know how to react to me being sick...they withdrew themselves from my life and when they did see me...they didn't know what to say. It was awkward...so very awkward...and I miss these friends. I miss the life I had before I got sick, but at the same time feel so very blessed in so many ways.
It's funny because as I sit here and type, I guess in my heart I do believe or wish none of what I went through had happened. I mean...I was happy and grateful before I had a heart attack. It's not as though I was this horrible person...I did not have a "Scrooge" moment is what I guess I'm trying to say. I lived a good life, but deep down even if I wish this had never happened, there is nothing I can do to change it. It's like in the "Lord of the Rings," when Frodo is speaking with Gandalf about the ring he says, referring to the ring, to Gandalf, "I wish this had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened." Gandalf in reply says to Frodo, "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."
And so, all that is left for me is to decide what to do with the time that has been given me...I am after all living on borrowed time. I shouldn't be alive! And I have to believe that it happened for a reason. So, I am turning in my application to graduate school and I am going to try to make the best of the hand I have been dealt. I have no choice. It is what it is, and while I mourn for the life I had...I have to make a new life for myself.