I have so much on my mind right now. Two weeks ago at this time I was getting ready to head into work. I did work, then as I was leaving work I got the dreaded phone call. I remember so clearly hearing my father tell me what had happened to my sister, and him saying, "It doesn't look good." I didn't need to hear my dad say those words, as a nurse, I new from what he had told me that it was bad. My heart sank and I fell to the floor sobbing. The next several days are a blur; I don't remember too many details of what happened and now every minute seems to linger, with a hollow empty feeling. I miss my sister Jane so much...she was my sister and my dear friend. I think of my niece and nephew...still so young and wonder how are they ever gonna know or fully understand how much she did for them; how much she loved them; how much she sacrificed for them as a single parent.

I was raised to believe in God and to trust in him always, but right now I am struggling. I usually do my best to not complain nor do I usually question the plans that a loving Heavenly Father has in store for me, but this seems too overwhelming right now.

After Brad and I broke up he told me one night that me getting sick was "Karma coming back to me." Those words stung like salt in a fresh wound and for a long, long time I believed him. I thought I must be an awful person and surely I must have done something wrong to deserve losing everything that mattered to me...my grad school, my love, a baby, everything. Then one day I woke up and realized I didn't do anything to deserve that, but now with the passing of my sister I find myself questioning again. Maybe Brad was right. Maybe I am this awful person who deserves all of this. I really don't know at this point.

I don't know why I have to go through all this. It makes no logical sense to me and for the first time in a long time I am feeling sorry for myself and that makes me feel even worse. I have worked the past three nights and I look at everyone around me whose lives seem pretty care free and wonder why am I having to endure so much...at my age, haven't I been through enough?

This all makes me feel week. I should be stronger. I should be able to shrug it off and have faith that God knows best. Afterall, who am I to question His designs, but I am questioning. As all around me try to remind me that I am strong, I remind them that I am human...and not that strong.

I know there are many who suffer much more than I have and I know that I have an awful lot to be grateful for...but it is hard to accept. I feel so alone and feel like it is never gonna be alright for me...when is everything gonna be okay????

I don't mean to be so negative, but it's just how I'm feeling right now...maybe I'm just lacking faith...