Just Been Thinking...

It's been way too long since I've written in here. Sometimes I forget that the link to my blog is up on facebook...and then people I add read it and seem surprised by what I've been through. It's funny in a way to me because it is my life. Most days it doesn't even phase me all that happened. Most days I feel an overwhelming amount of gratitude for all the good that came out of what I went through.
I can honestly say that life is somewhat boringly normal these days. I seem to have settled into my old routines. Mostly that includes working out and training for a 1/2 marathon. I'm going to do one in California with my good friend Stacy and then I'm gonna do one in March in New Orleans. I'm very excited for both of those things.
I've even returned to dating...much to my surprise. And as any of you who aren't tied down know, dating brings it's own set of challenges. I've met some great people...and some not so great ones and it has been a most interesting experience. I find myself most days optimistic for the future and all that is ahead for me :)
I think the hardest part recently has been missing the baby I lost. It stings so badly if I let myself think about it. Though I most often deny it...I was a typical little girl. I dreamed of my wedding and dreamed of having a family. I don't need to be reminded by anybody, that I don't have children...I know that all too well. As I know I most likely will never have children. Which is fine...I have to accept whatever my Heavenly Father has planned for me. Although, doctors have said it's ok for me to have kids...who knows if I'll meet anyone and I'm way too scared to get pregnant, as a nurse I've seen way too much. And that is all ok with me.
At work the other night, I sat with my patient who is dying from pancreatic cancer. This man is young by todays standards...60 or so and has so much faith. He has been unable to sleep and so the other night I just went into his room and sat and talked with him. He began sharing scriptures with me and it just brought the biggest feeling of peace into the room. I have moments like that at work that remind me over and over just how blessed I am. I have more yet to accomplish here in this life and I'm ready to do that.
My year as a spokesperson for the American Heart Associations Go Red for Women campaign is over...but I will continue to volunteer with the cause and I will continue to share my story. Though I often times wonder, why am I still here?  Or why did I have to go through everything? I know I am blessed beyond measure. I don't think we're supposed to understand the why here in this life...maybe the answers come in the end when we've proven ourselves to be  faithful. I really don't need answers though...I am here for a purpose and though I may not know what that purpose is, I will do my best to discover it.
Though people will always disappoint me and say and do things I don't understand...I will still smile the same smile I always do...knowing that "life is 10% what happens to us...and 90% how we react." We choose how we react...we may not choose what others do...but we control our reactions :)
I hope this finds anyone who reads it well. I know I've rambled...but just wanted to jot some thoughts down :)