Too much time goes by without me updating my blog. I so need to do better. Life overall is pretty great. I'm working on reapplying to graduate school, finally! I'm taking the GRE in a couple of weeks and recertifying my CCRN. I'm excited for that and have the field of schools I'm applying to narrowed down. I would love to go back to UPenn and I'm sure I will be accepted there, but with all that has happened, I need to do what is best and we will see where that lands me.
This entire month with my sister's birthday today, has been quite difficult. I've been thinking about her endlessly and the memories just seem to sting, like a raw sunburn. For those that know me, Jane and I were about as opposite as two sister's can be. We were like oil and water, but I loved her more than she ever knew. I have so many fond memories of her. One of my favorite memories was the summer we first moved to SC. We were just sitting in my bedroom and she was putting makeup on me and told me, "You are such a pretty girl!" I will never forget that. It is perhaps one of the few times I have ever felt pretty. She made me feel like I was the prettiest girl around and that is a feeling I will never forget. I'm so grateful for that moment and memory.
As I was struggling last night with the feelings of missing her, I decided to go upstairs and read. I've been reading a book by Gerald N. Lund entitled, "Look Up, My Soul: The Divine Promise of Hope." It's a marvelous book and as I was reading last night, I read the following:"In any heartbreak there is just so much hurt, so much pain, so much loneliness. Those are part of human experience and God does not always deaden them or take them away. But though He does not always lighten the load, He does reinforce the bridge." We are carried through our difficult times and in the end we come out stronger and more readily prepared to deal with other challenges which we might face. I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves us. I'm grateful for hope, for I know that, "Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies." I know that there is always hope and I know without a shadow of a doubt, that I will see my dear, sweet sister one day.
I can only hope that my sister looks down and sees the love that I have for her. I hope somehow she knows that she is never far from my thoughts. When I think of her I think of a poem by E.E. Cummings. This is the poem:

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
--e. e. cummings

I truly hope that my sister knows, that I carry her heart with me, I carry it in my heart. Her two precious children are always on the forefront of my mind and I hope that I can be the aunt to them that they deserve. I hope that I can make them feel loved all the time.

I can't believe it has been 9 months since my sister's passing. I miss her everyday, but believe with all my heart that she is never too far away.